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Author Topic: Stand up comedy  (Read 44302 times)

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Offline Loke

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Stand up comedy
« on: January 27, 2007, 03:18:33 am »


   A place for the stand-up comediant we all have within 

Besides is good to hear jokes from all around the world and from different cultures along with the fact that woukd give a smile to the honorable members of this forum ... yo yo yo 

  Sunday School   

    Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!''

   yo yo yo :O
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Scripta Manet

Offline The One

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Re: Stand up comedy
« Reply #1 on: January 27, 2007, 03:26:06 am »
:lol3: man, this is an old one...Though, it stil remains as funny as hell! I remember when you told it at the Official forum.

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Offline Loke

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Re: Stand up comedy
« Reply #2 on: January 27, 2007, 03:27:22 am »
Quote from: The One on January 27, 2007, 03:26:06 am
:lol3: man, this is an old one...Though, it stil remains as funny as hell! I remember when you told it at the Official forum.



Hehehe, you forgot to post a joke mate

yo yo yo :P
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Offline The One

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Re: Stand up comedy
« Reply #3 on: January 27, 2007, 04:08:46 am »
Well, this one, no offense to drummers.
A drummer comes home being extremely happy.
"Mommy! Mommy! I could say the whole alphabet today and the other kids couldn't" his mother replies: "Great hunny, that's 'cause you're a drummer"
next day: "Mommy! Mommy! I could count up to 10, and the other kids only up to 7" his mother replies: "Great hunny, that's 'cause you're a drummer"
next day: "Mommy! Mommy! Today they measured us at school, I'm the tallest in the class, is that also becuase I'm a drummer?" his mother then replies: "No, hunny, that's 'cause you're 26 years old"
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Offline Elizabeth

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Re: Stand up comedy
« Reply #4 on: January 27, 2007, 07:50:35 am »
Haha... don't post that in the Official forum, or you might angry Petter! :roll:
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Offline Markus

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Re: Stand up comedy
« Reply #5 on: January 27, 2007, 10:33:51 am »
As we are bitching about musicians already: How do you slow down a guitar player?

















Place notes in front of him.

Cheers!

Markus
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Offline Elizabeth

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Re: Stand up comedy
« Reply #6 on: January 27, 2007, 10:45:46 am »
 :lol3: Post that in the TS, Markus... pleeease! :roll:
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Offline Markus

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Re: Stand up comedy
« Reply #7 on: January 27, 2007, 11:09:12 am »
Not before the Glauchau show, Livi. I still hope to talk to Kristian there. :lol3:

Cheers!

Markus
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Offline Elizabeth

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Re: Stand up comedy
« Reply #8 on: January 27, 2007, 11:51:36 am »
Planning to discuss the long signature matter, aren't you?  :ninja:

 :lol3:
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Offline Markus

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Re: Stand up comedy
« Reply #9 on: January 27, 2007, 11:59:20 am »
That still haunts you, doesn't it? :biggrin: Anything you'd like me to ask him in case I have the chance?
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Offline Elizabeth

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Re: Stand up comedy
« Reply #10 on: January 27, 2007, 12:16:18 pm »
It doesn't actually hunt me, just a funny memory now  :lol3: I'd still like and have the chance of tearing his eyes out with the matter, tho.  :wOOt:

Soo... nothing I'd like you to ask him. Let's hope I'll have the oportunity of doing it mysef. Thanks anyway  :wink2:
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Offline The One

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Re: Stand up comedy
« Reply #11 on: January 27, 2007, 03:05:29 pm »
Haha, discuss it well with him , Livi. :wink2:
Here's a few other musician jokes:

-What's the difference between an onion and an acordeon?
-No one cries when the acordeon is cut in little pieces

-How many guitarists does it take to change a lightbulb?
-100, 1 to do it, 99 to say they could do it better

-How does a vocalist change a lightbulb?
-He stands up on a bench, holds the lightbulb and believes he illuminates the World around him.

-What's the difference between a big pizza and a jazz musican?
-The pizza can feed a family
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Offline Loke

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Re: Stand up comedy
« Reply #12 on: January 27, 2007, 08:03:57 pm »
A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyzer.

''I can't do that, officer.''

''Why not?''

''Because I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube.''

''Okay, we'll just get a urine sample down at the station.''

''Can't do that either, officer.''

''Why not?''

''Because I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup.''

''Alright, we could get a blood sample.''

''Can't do that either, officer.''

Why not?''

''Because I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood I could die.''

''Fine then, just walk this white line.''

''Can't do that either, officer.''

''Why not?''

''Because I'm drunk.''

yo yo yo :D
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Scripta Manet

Offline melchiah131

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Re: Stand up comedy
« Reply #13 on: January 28, 2007, 12:58:35 am »
Ok here's one i heard a few days ago and i want everyone to know beforehand that i am a BIG admirer of blonde women all over the world.A guy that is drunk :drunk: walks in a bar that has one of those "ladies nights" unaware of that due to the fact that he is drunk, walks over to the bar and thinking that he is talking to the bar-man orders a drink and  says"Hey buddy have you heard the latest joke about blondes?".A long and extended silence falls over the place  :afaid: and a deep voice of what could be described as a woman's voice says "You can tell the joke if you want to but there are 5 things u must know before you do 1.the person you are telling the joke to is a woman, and a blonde one too 2.the waitress is blond 3. the woman to your right is blonde too and just got out of prison today after doing 20 years for double murder 4.the woman to your left is blonde and an expert on martial arts and 5.i weigh over 100kgs and am blonde"!!!!!! "So bearing those 5 facts in mind i ask you once more do you still want to tell the joke"???? And the guy goes "HELL NO!!!! I'm too drunk to explain it 5 times over  to all of you!!!!! "
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Offline lavaniegosII

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Re: Stand up comedy
« Reply #14 on: January 28, 2007, 07:56:16 am »
Loke:

Translate one joke of Polo Polo in English :wink2:
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Offline Loke

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Re: Stand up comedy
« Reply #15 on: January 29, 2007, 04:55:18 am »
Quote from: lavaniegosII on January 28, 2007, 07:56:16 am
Loke:

Translate one joke of Polo Polo in English :wink2:

Dont you it would be lost in translation, i mean the punch of the joke might not be understandable for none mexican people, but if your answer is "no" i will


yo yo yo :P
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Scripta Manet

Offline Nighthawk

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Re: Stand up comedy
« Reply #16 on: January 29, 2007, 11:35:22 am »
Quote from: The One on January 27, 2007, 03:05:29 pm
-How many guitarists does it take to change a lightbulb?
-100, 1 to do it, 99 to say they could do it better
The version I know goes:

How many guitarists does it take to change a lightbulb?
100. 1 to do it and the rest to tell him that Petrucci could do it faster.


*shrugz*
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Offline Loke

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Re: Stand up comedy
« Reply #17 on: January 30, 2007, 05:42:42 am »


 How many women do you need to screw a bulb?

=========================================


1, a single woman can screw it all


(sorry girls, actually it goes with men but...)


yo yo yo :P
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Offline Elizabeth

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Re: Stand up comedy
« Reply #18 on: January 30, 2007, 01:15:26 pm »
Quote from: loke on January 30, 2007, 05:42:42 am
(sorry girls, actually it goes with men but...)

Trator.  :shifty:
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Offline The One

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Re: Stand up comedy
« Reply #19 on: February 13, 2007, 12:45:59 am »
Why girls shouldn't go on "ladies' night" after marriage:
One lady was once invited to spend a night out with her firends. She promised her husband to be back by midnight.
So well, hours passed and so did the maritinis and margaritas. The lady was all drunk and came back home at about 3 a.m., when she entered the hall, the cuckoo clock did it's usual sound thrice. She then realized her husband would wake up and hear all of her noises as she moved, so she cuckooed 9 times, and felt proud of herself for finding duch a brilliant solution.
Next morning her husband asks: "At what time did you come back?" she replies: "At midnight". Her hsuband was not pissed off, so she felt alliviated, but then he said: "You know, I think we should buy a new cuckoo clock" "Why?" she asked, he replied: "Well, last night I heard it cukoo thrice, then say 'Oh, Shit!', cuckoo four times, clear its throat, cuckoo thrice, giggle, then cuckoo twice again, the trip over the cofee table and fart".
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