NTSMS - Non Therion Society Members Society

Other Languages => Seccion en Español => Topic started by: Loke on January 27, 2007, 03:18:33 am

Title: Stand up comedy
Post by: Loke on January 27, 2007, 03:18:33 am


   A place for the stand-up comediant we all have within 

Besides is good to hear jokes from all around the world and from different cultures along with the fact that woukd give a smile to the honorable members of this forum ... yo yo yo 

  Sunday School   

    Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!''

   yo yo yo :O
Title: Re: Stand up comedy
Post by: The One on January 27, 2007, 03:26:06 am
:lol3: man, this is an old one...Though, it stil remains as funny as hell! I remember when you told it at the Official forum.

Title: Re: Stand up comedy
Post by: Loke on January 27, 2007, 03:27:22 am
:lol3: man, this is an old one...Though, it stil remains as funny as hell! I remember when you told it at the Official forum.



Hehehe, you forgot to post a joke mate

yo yo yo :P
Title: Re: Stand up comedy
Post by: The One on January 27, 2007, 04:08:46 am
Well, this one, no offense to drummers.
A drummer comes home being extremely happy.
"Mommy! Mommy! I could say the whole alphabet today and the other kids couldn't" his mother replies: "Great hunny, that's 'cause you're a drummer"
next day: "Mommy! Mommy! I could count up to 10, and the other kids only up to 7" his mother replies: "Great hunny, that's 'cause you're a drummer"
next day: "Mommy! Mommy! Today they measured us at school, I'm the tallest in the class, is that also becuase I'm a drummer?" his mother then replies: "No, hunny, that's 'cause you're 26 years old"
Title: Re: Stand up comedy
Post by: Elizabeth on January 27, 2007, 07:50:35 am
Haha... don't post that in the Official forum, or you might angry Petter! :roll:
Title: Re: Stand up comedy
Post by: Markus on January 27, 2007, 10:33:51 am
As we are bitching about musicians already: How do you slow down a guitar player?

















Place notes in front of him.

Cheers!

Markus
Title: Re: Stand up comedy
Post by: Elizabeth on January 27, 2007, 10:45:46 am
 :lol3: Post that in the TS, Markus... pleeease! :roll:
Title: Re: Stand up comedy
Post by: Markus on January 27, 2007, 11:09:12 am
Not before the Glauchau show, Livi. I still hope to talk to Kristian there. :lol3:

Cheers!

Markus
Title: Re: Stand up comedy
Post by: Elizabeth on January 27, 2007, 11:51:36 am
Planning to discuss the long signature matter, aren't you?  :ninja:

 :lol3:
Title: Re: Stand up comedy
Post by: Markus on January 27, 2007, 11:59:20 am
That still haunts you, doesn't it? :biggrin: Anything you'd like me to ask him in case I have the chance?
Title: Re: Stand up comedy
Post by: Elizabeth on January 27, 2007, 12:16:18 pm
It doesn't actually hunt me, just a funny memory now  :lol3: I'd still like and have the chance of tearing his eyes out with the matter, tho.  :wOOt:

Soo... nothing I'd like you to ask him. Let's hope I'll have the oportunity of doing it mysef. Thanks anyway  :wink2:
Title: Re: Stand up comedy
Post by: The One on January 27, 2007, 03:05:29 pm
Haha, discuss it well with him , Livi. :wink2:
Here's a few other musician jokes:

-What's the difference between an onion and an acordeon?
-No one cries when the acordeon is cut in little pieces

-How many guitarists does it take to change a lightbulb?
-100, 1 to do it, 99 to say they could do it better

-How does a vocalist change a lightbulb?
-He stands up on a bench, holds the lightbulb and believes he illuminates the World around him.

-What's the difference between a big pizza and a jazz musican?
-The pizza can feed a family
Title: Re: Stand up comedy
Post by: Loke on January 27, 2007, 08:03:57 pm
A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyzer.

''I can't do that, officer.''

''Why not?''

''Because I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube.''

''Okay, we'll just get a urine sample down at the station.''

''Can't do that either, officer.''

''Why not?''

''Because I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup.''

''Alright, we could get a blood sample.''

''Can't do that either, officer.''

Why not?''

''Because I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood I could die.''

''Fine then, just walk this white line.''

''Can't do that either, officer.''

''Why not?''

''Because I'm drunk.''

yo yo yo :D
Title: Re: Stand up comedy
Post by: melchiah131 on January 28, 2007, 12:58:35 am
Ok here's one i heard a few days ago and i want everyone to know beforehand that i am a BIG admirer of blonde women all over the world.A guy that is drunk :drunk: walks in a bar that has one of those "ladies nights" unaware of that due to the fact that he is drunk, walks over to the bar and thinking that he is talking to the bar-man orders a drink and  says"Hey buddy have you heard the latest joke about blondes?".A long and extended silence falls over the place  :afaid: and a deep voice of what could be described as a woman's voice says "You can tell the joke if you want to but there are 5 things u must know before you do 1.the person you are telling the joke to is a woman, and a blonde one too 2.the waitress is blond 3. the woman to your right is blonde too and just got out of prison today after doing 20 years for double murder 4.the woman to your left is blonde and an expert on martial arts and 5.i weigh over 100kgs and am blonde"!!!!!! "So bearing those 5 facts in mind i ask you once more do you still want to tell the joke"???? And the guy goes "HELL NO!!!! I'm too drunk to explain it 5 times over  to all of you!!!!! "
Title: Re: Stand up comedy
Post by: lavaniegosII on January 28, 2007, 07:56:16 am
Loke:

Translate one joke of Polo Polo in English :wink2:
Title: Re: Stand up comedy
Post by: Loke on January 29, 2007, 04:55:18 am
Loke:

Translate one joke of Polo Polo in English :wink2:

Dont you it would be lost in translation, i mean the punch of the joke might not be understandable for none mexican people, but if your answer is "no" i will


yo yo yo :P
Title: Re: Stand up comedy
Post by: Nighthawk on January 29, 2007, 11:35:22 am
-How many guitarists does it take to change a lightbulb?
-100, 1 to do it, 99 to say they could do it better
The version I know goes:

How many guitarists does it take to change a lightbulb?
100. 1 to do it and the rest to tell him that Petrucci could do it faster.


*shrugz*
Title: Re: Stand up comedy
Post by: Loke on January 30, 2007, 05:42:42 am


 How many women do you need to screw a bulb?

=========================================


1, a single woman can screw it all


(sorry girls, actually it goes with men but...)


yo yo yo :P
Title: Re: Stand up comedy
Post by: Elizabeth on January 30, 2007, 01:15:26 pm
(sorry girls, actually it goes with men but...)

Trator.  :shifty:
Title: Re: Stand up comedy
Post by: The One on February 13, 2007, 12:45:59 am
Why girls shouldn't go on "ladies' night" after marriage:
One lady was once invited to spend a night out with her firends. She promised her husband to be back by midnight.
So well, hours passed and so did the maritinis and margaritas. The lady was all drunk and came back home at about 3 a.m., when she entered the hall, the cuckoo clock did it's usual sound thrice. She then realized her husband would wake up and hear all of her noises as she moved, so she cuckooed 9 times, and felt proud of herself for finding duch a brilliant solution.
Next morning her husband asks: "At what time did you come back?" she replies: "At midnight". Her hsuband was not pissed off, so she felt alliviated, but then he said: "You know, I think we should buy a new cuckoo clock" "Why?" she asked, he replied: "Well, last night I heard it cukoo thrice, then say 'Oh, Shit!', cuckoo four times, clear its throat, cuckoo thrice, giggle, then cuckoo twice again, the trip over the cofee table and fart".
Title: Re: Stand up comedy
Post by: Loke on February 13, 2007, 03:25:52 pm


     A man reluctantly attends his laywer's funeral expecting to be one of the one people there, and is suprised to see a huge turnout for this one terrible man. He turns to the people around him.

“Why are you all at this lawyer's funeral?” he asks.

A man turns towards him and says, “We''re all clients.”

“And you ALL came to pay your respects?”









“No, we came to make sure he was really dead.”


yo yo yo :P
Title: Re: Stand up comedy
Post by: deathdancer on November 04, 2007, 05:58:49 pm
I wanted to open topic: "joke-box" (as jukebox). So I searched is there a topic like this, and I found it.
Don't see why is this topic left forgotten... and it has so big potential.
So... since I'm Death, I will rise it from the dead  ^_^

"A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. "  :lol3:

So come on... it's joke-time!!! :wicking:
Title: Re: Stand up comedy
Post by: Markus on November 23, 2008, 01:08:01 am
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
















Because 7 8 9! :afaid: :roll: :roll: :roll:
Title: Re: Stand up comedy
Post by: The One on November 23, 2008, 07:36:46 am
Ok, warning... These jokes are offensive, so please read them at your own risk.

How do you get 30 Cubans into an egg carton?
------------------------------------------------------------
Tell them it floats


What's the first 3 words a Puerto Rican learns?
-----------------------------------------------------------
ATTENTION! Walmart shoppers!


...In ancient times in the garden on Eden, God beheld his creation Adam... He was bored, he had nothing to do, nobody to share his life with, so one day he came up to him and said: "Adam, I see you're like... Really bored... So, um, I was thinking... Ever wanted a partner?"
Adam replied: "Sure thing, paradise gets old pretty quick when you're alone"
God then proposed the next to Adam: for an eye, a leg, an arm, a part of his brain and a rib, he could give Adam the best partner he could ever imagine: smart, obedient, beautiful and much more... To that Adam replied: "Ehm... What will I get for just the rib?"





I must say that God did quite a fine job despite the lack of resources. :biggrin: :whistle:
Title: Re: Stand up comedy
Post by: Lucy on November 23, 2008, 05:21:41 pm
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
















Because 7 8 9! :afaid: :roll: :roll: :roll:





Ohohohoho finally I understood! :roll: :lol3:
Title: Re: Stand up comedy
Post by: Luth on November 23, 2008, 06:27:18 pm
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
















Because 7 8 9! :afaid: :roll: :roll: :roll:





Ohohohoho finally I understood! :roll: :lol3:

I don't  :insane:
Title: Re: Stand up comedy
Post by: Lucy on November 23, 2008, 06:44:47 pm
Try to pronounce that, and You'll hear! :lol:
Title: Re: Stand up comedy
Post by: Luth on November 23, 2008, 06:46:18 pm
I suppose that my English pronunciation is not good enough to understand the joke  :fish:
Title: Re: Stand up comedy
Post by: Lucy on November 23, 2008, 06:49:19 pm
Hm...

Why is "six" afraid of "seven"? Because "seven" "ét" "nain"...

I tried to write that phonetically. :unsure: Try to imagine 6, 7 and 9 as persons, and "8" is some scary action that 7 did and it's the favourite occupation of our dear Alu as well... :lol:
Title: Re: Stand up comedy
Post by: Luth on November 23, 2008, 07:00:18 pm
Now I understand  :roll:

A little late, but my speciality are not English jokes  :blush:

 :innocent:

Thanks!!!  :thumbup:
Title: Re: Stand up comedy
Post by: Mystique on November 23, 2008, 10:50:23 pm
:lol3: I've only just read the joke xD it's hilarious...

cuz 7 ate 9 haha...lol good one!
Title: Re: Stand up comedy
Post by: Lucy on December 01, 2008, 08:45:24 pm
A grandmother says to her grandson:

- I can't understand this modern music of nowadays...
- But Granny, this is the vacuum cleaner!
Title: Re: Stand up comedy
Post by: lavaniegosII on December 02, 2008, 05:27:27 pm
Hahahaha. :lol:
Title: Re: Stand up comedy
Post by: Markus on December 02, 2008, 08:35:06 pm
A similar one which I find extremely funny, too:

What does an insomniac, dyslexic agnostic do?














Stay awake all night and wonder if there is a dog.  :unsure: :roll:
Title: Re: Stand up comedy
Post by: Lucy on December 02, 2008, 08:59:18 pm
Oh my dog!!! :lol3:






Markus :disgust:

:roll:
Title: Re: Stand up comedy
Post by: Mystique on December 02, 2008, 11:58:42 pm
xD lol!
hilarious :lol3:
Title: Re: Stand up comedy
Post by: deathdancer on December 05, 2008, 04:37:05 pm
Good one  :thumbup:
Title: Re: Stand up comedy
Post by: Markus on December 08, 2009, 09:05:17 pm
Tell me - where do most women have curly hair?



















Now, what do you think - in Africa, of course! :ninja: :roll:
Title: Re: Stand up comedy
Post by: Lady Sa'iltu on December 09, 2009, 07:47:49 pm
I hate 2 things - racism and negros.

-Doctor, tell me what to do! Yesterday a surgeon told me to amputate my ears!
-Oh, god forbid! He's indeed a cruel monster! I'll give you some pills, and your ears will fall off next week!
----------------
You won't believe me!!! I tried to post it in this topic, but when I've done it, found my post in another!   :insane:
Title: Re: Stand up comedy
Post by: Markus on December 09, 2009, 09:05:30 pm
I really don't believe you; I think you are just kidding. :P

 :wink2:
Title: Re: Stand up comedy
Post by: Lady Sa'iltu on December 14, 2009, 07:33:32 pm
No, not so! I really found my post in another topic))).
Title: Re: Stand up comedy
Post by: Markus on December 14, 2009, 09:37:44 pm
In fact I know; I happened to see it. ;)

Cheers!

Markus
Title: Re: Stand up comedy
Post by: Lady Sa'iltu on December 15, 2009, 08:09:37 pm
I wonder how it could happen! When I was writing it I saw THIS topic summery :wOOt: :wOOt: :wOOt:
I suppose this topic is alive and it decided to joke, too))))


-----
Hope to see this post in the right place :D.
Title: Re: Stand up comedy
Post by: Markus on December 16, 2009, 07:31:30 pm
I'm afraid you're right, Siren. :afaid: This topic seems to develop an eerie life of its own. Wasn't it started in the OT-forum? Look where it has gone now. :afaid: :afaid:

Cheers, anyway!

Markus
Title: Re: Stand up comedy
Post by: Lady Sa'iltu on December 16, 2009, 07:44:26 pm
 :yeha:
A-ha-ha!
Title: Re: Stand up comedy
Post by: Lucy on December 18, 2009, 09:35:43 am
Hahaha, it looks like NTSMS Gods have their own sense of humour! :lol3:

 :alien:
Title: Re: Stand up comedy
Post by: Markus on December 18, 2009, 10:04:07 am
Oh, for sure they do. :ninja: :afaid: Wise as she may be, Notessomes loves kidding and fooling around.

Wait a sec... gods... humour... Seems like Moses was sitting on the top of Mount Sinai, typing into a notebook. He looks very unhappy and somewhat afraid - which is understandable because opposite him, in a great cloud, you see the wrathful face of God who is shouting at Mose: "Crashed? Again?! Oh, I will delay the invention of the computer by 3000 years - and as far as I'm concerned you may carve the Ten Commandments on stone plates!!"